Marked This Day

On this day in 1999, The Matrix was released. Keanu Reeves as a bad-ass, kung-fu messiah, lots of latex and leather, Laurence Fishburne, Carrie-Ann Moss, mind-blowing special effects, and a mind-melting plot. And once again, Keanu Reeves. Yes, please! It wasn’t the first science fiction film to ever deal with machines and alternate universes, but The Matrix did so in way that I’d never seen before. It was extremely clever in its explanations. The Matrix established a dystopia that seemed cool--made you almost yearn for it. Who wouldn’t want to be able to learn kung-fu in seconds? Or bend the laws of gravity? Or shoot the holy shit out of a bank lobby? Of course all this hinges on the premise that you, like Mr. Anderson, would be insane enough to take the red pill. I guess if they pulled some machine-parasite out of my belly button, I would consider it. But I’m pretty set in my policy of not taking random pills from strangers--I wouldn’t want to take the blue pill either. Though it d

On this day in 1867, U.S. Secretary of State William H. Seward authorized the purchase of Alaska from Russia for a little over 7 million dollars and everyone thought he was an idiot. The prevailing wisdom was that Alaska was a big, barren block of ice that was utterly worthless. The purchase even became known as Seward’s Folly. For the first 30 years of the state’s history, it looked as if those people might be right, but in 1898 a precious little metal called gold was discovered in Alaska, ultimately making Seward a freaking genius who got a steal. Maybe he just lucked into it, but he bought land. At two cents an acre. Real estate. Movie Lex Luthor, both the Gene Hackman version and the Kevin Spacey version, knew that land is always the most precious of commodities. I mean Gene Hackman Lex Luthor was an opportunistic egomaniacal nutter, but he understood that wiping out Cali would make the Nevada land he owned quite fruitful. He knew the value of land. Kevin Spacey Lex Luthor was a st

On this day in 1973, Marlon Brando sent Sacheen Littlefeather to the decline his Oscar for Vito Corleone in The Godfather . Sacheen was supposed to read a fifteen page speech about the plight of the American Indian in Hollywood Cinema. A noble cause, but a risky one for Brando. Before The Godfather he was basically like the captain of the football team that wound up living in his parents’ basement. He was like “Peaked-in-High-School Rob Lowe,” from those awful commercials. That is to say, it was thought that his best days were behind him. And then he turned in Don Vito--one of the most badass characters to ever be portrayed on film. But Coppola basically had to fight like hell to get him on the movie. He had to make them an offer they couldn’t refuse. No, he didn’t go decapitating horse heads, but he finagled until the powers that be accepted what may be the best actor ever in the film. Sidenote: how big of an ass do you have to be for studios to not want to deal with you despite bein

On this day in 1997, 39 members of the Heaven’s Gate cult were found eternally sleeping in a mansion in San Diego. Or perhaps their mass suicide allowed them to reach the alien spacecraft that was hiding behind the Hale-Bopp comet. I’m certainly not going to perform the experiment that would give me a definitive answer on the mystery. I’m not one to exclude possibilities, but I tend to think that maybe Marshall Applewhite just brainwashed a bunch of people rather than that aliens told 39 people to take a crapload of phenobarbital pudding and vodka to hitch a ride on their hidden spaceship. It makes me wonder what exactly is the balance between the sayings--”Two minds are better than one,” and “A person is smart, but people are stupid.” Not one of these 39 people thought that maybe this wasn’t such a good idea? Why exactly would you want to go live on a spaceship with no earthly idea of what the conditions were like anyway? What if the aliens were recruiting you because they needed huma

On this day in 1937, The Washington Daily News became the 1st newspaper in the United States to run an ad with a perfumed scent. Unfortunately, it was an ad for the importance of natural fertilizer and readers got a tad bit angry at the horseshit scratch and sniff. Kidding. I’m sure it was a perfume ad, but I’ve often thought this technology was grossly underutilized. If you’re flipping through a magazine and come to a picture of delicious cookies and then that smell of warm baking chocolate chip wafts up to your nostrils, tell me you’re not going to go Cookie Monster on that page immediately. It would work with almost any type of food. Probably not asparagus. Or brussel sprouts. Because they kind of smell like sweaty feet. But other than that you’d be golden. Granted the days of print magazines may be numbered, so the boat may have been missed as I have yet to see or hear of the olfactory sense seeping through a computer screen. I’m sure they have the technology for it. I mean cellpho

On this day in 1996, Showgirls and star Elizabeth Berkley were the big winners at the 16th Annual Golden Raspberry Awards. Now, I may or may not have seen this so-called Showgirls flick, and if I have, I would argue that perhaps it is a misunderstood masterpiece. It’s one part camp, two parts horrible gyrating, and three parts nudity. What about that deserves a Razzie? And how can you say that Jessie Spano is a bad actress? Sure she got a little excited at some points of the movie that I may or may not have seen. Some might say so excited. So excited. But you can’t fault a girl for getting excited. Of course there is the opposite viewpoint that the movie is a steaming pile of horse manure, and pretty much killed any hopes Elizabeth had of a celebrated movie career. I do have to say that I’m sort of happy that Golden Raspberry Awards exist. Not because I like seeing art torn down. I don’t. But the amount of pompousness that gets shoveled out by critics at things like the Oscars makes

On this day in 1985, the Piano Man found his Uptown Girl. Billy Joel, a short, Jewish singer from the Bronx, married Christie Brinkley, an ageless wonder of beauty that had the goods to tempt Clark Griswold in National Lampoon’s Vacation . This marriage proved a couple of things. One--Women dig musicians. If you can write a great song (and Billy Joel can write a great song) about a girl, or play an instrument at redonkulous skill level, women will dig you. Just watch Rock Star . Or look at Adam Levine's life. Two--it really doesn’t matter what you look like. Take Mick Jagger. I wouldn’t necessarily call him ugly, but I don’t think anyone would confuse him with Adonis or Brad Pitt. He does have the moves, but he’s not getting the cover of People for the most beautiful people, people. All of this most likely proves that women are not as shallow as men, and are attracted to talent and skill more than outward appearance. Of course it may also prove that men are shallow, as you don’t

On this day in 1345, the Black Death or bubonic plague, was created because Jupiter, Saturn, and Mars were in “a triple conjunction,” meaning they had the same right ascension or the same ecliptic longitude. Should have paid more attention in astronomy class. In any case, the “triple conjunction” caused a pandemic that killed about 25 million people. I’m not picking on 14th century astronomers and scientists here, but I have feeling that part of the reason the Black Death killed that many people might have something to do with the fact that they thought the disease was caused by some uncommon astronomical occurrence, rather than the fleas of rats that were the actual culprits--maybe. I’m not saying they would have been able to find a cure if they had been looking for a cause in a slightly more earthbound area, but it certainly couldn’t have hurt. I know there has yet to come a cure for cancer, but I feel that doctors and scientists are least looking in the right place. You never hear,

On this day in 1931, the state of Nevada legalized gambling. The country was in the middle of the Great Depression, and the higher-ups in Nevada figured what better way to generate revenue than taking it from people who barely had any themselves. Of course Las Vegas, which had only been founded in 1905, became the hub of this experiment and grew into the gambling summit of the world. I can’t think of an external decision that has affected a city more. Venice was built on water out of fear of invaders, Rome gained its history, as did France and England, and myriad other cities. But Nevada was just like, “You can gamble here.” And people did. They were also like “Hey, mafia guys, come on down. It’s a dry heat.” And, “Let’s make the oldest profession legal as well.” And Vegas benefited. Otherwise, it would have stayed a hole in the desert. Instead, it was like the nerdy girl in a teen movie who caught the eye of the football captain who had only recently been dumped by the hottest girl in

On this day in 1995, Michael Jordan returned to basketball and the Chicago Bulls with a short press release that merely stated, “I’m back.” There was no press conference, no ESPN special, no buildup. Just two words. The greatest basketball player ever had been playing baseball, and then suddenly he wasn’t. He was back with the Bulls for a mini-stretch of games that served as a tuneup for his second three-peat that would start the next season. I’m not denouncing modern technology or the landscape of the 24hr news cycle that pervades our culture. It just seems like everything nowadays is overhyped and hyperbolized to the point of insanity. Every little thing is picked apart and the drama is played up. It’s not like Jordan didn’t have a flair for dramatic publicity. But the way he did things was just so--cool. Switching from 45 to 23 in the middle of the playoff series? And putting up 38 points in that game? Jordan was cool. Space Jam . The shoes. The tongue. Jordan had swag, before the w

On this day in 1897, Bob Fitzsimmons popularized the phrase, “the bigger they are, the harder they fall,” after knocking out the significantly bigger Jim Corbett to capture the Heavyweight Title. Fitzsimmons was not the originator of the phrase, that honor seemingly belonging to another pugilist named Joe Walcott. But Bob was the man who made the phrase famous. And being that he was a natural middleweight who boxed outside his weight class, he also was a perfect advocate for the truthfulness of the quote. And while I’m big on giving credit where credit is due, it is hard to fault a man for making a phrase popular, especially after whipping up on a bigger guy. Credit is a fickle little thing. I get it when it comes to patents or inventions or discoveries. I mean it would suck for the person, who I don’t know, let's say discovered a New World (despite people living there) only to have history remember the founder as someone else. But then is this other person to blame? Is a discovery

(I just didn't feel like listening to Britney tonight). On this day in 1881, eighteen-year old Lastania Abarta shot and killed Chico Forster in downtown Los Angeles for being a womanizer, womanizer, oh womanizer oh. Forster was forty years old, but was the son of a wealthy land developer, and therefore a hot commodity on the singles market despite the fact that he was a womanizer, womanizer. Forster met our young, impressionable lady while she was singing in her parent’s pool hall. Forster used his womanizing charms, his silver tongue, and a promise of marriage to trick the young lass into his bed. It seems that old Chico had no intent on marrying young Lastania as he ran off and did not produce a ring or further promise. So Lastania found his ass and shot him. In the eye. And then things got really interesting. America was mired in a craze of “female hysteria,” and Lastania’s lawyer’s used this as defense. You see Lastania Abarta had been of purest virtue before the lying Chico we

On this day in 1965, Eric Clapton left the Yardbirds . Of course he went on to form Cream , and then blow people away with his solo skills, as well as steal George Harrison’s wife. So it wasn’t like he made a bad decision. Moved on, and hit it big. But the Yardbirds didn’t just cry themselves into obscurity. They replaced Clapton with a lil dude named Jeff Beck. That’s like replacing Barry Sanders in his prime with Emmitt Smith in his prime. Eventually the Yardbirds fired Jeff Beck and replaced him with Jimmy Page, which is like firing Emmitt Smith and replacing him with Adrian Peterson. If you fancy yourself more an artistic chap, it’s like replacing Stanley Kubrick with Steven Spielberg. Wait, what? That produced A.I. ? Well that movie was, well okay it was pretty awful. Let’s just stick with the running back analogy. In any case, what I’m basically saying is that the Yardbirds had a crapload of talent revolve through their little group. I mean I’d give the edge to Clapton, no one

Have you ever given someone up? Perhaps you have let someone down? Maybe you ran around and deserted him/her? Did you make her cry? Or say goodbye? Oooh, did you tell a lie and hurt her? Probably so. You’re only human, after all. You know who never did any of that. Rick Astley. He would never give you up. And on this day in 1988, the song that definitively proves this sentiment, “Never Gonna Give You Up” reached number 1 on the Billboard Top 100. And you wouldn’t want Rick Astley to give you up or let you down or run around and desert you, would you? He’s freaking Rick Astley. He's more than human. He has the voice of an R&B God, hair more finely coiffed than Conan O'Brien, and dance moves that rival Michael Jackson on his best day. We’re talking about man who not only will never give you up, but he will never give up on Rick Astley either. I mean his song was a big hit and all, but he faded into obscurity in the US, until 20 years later when Wham-O! You just got Rick-Rol

On this day in 1989, COPS first aired on Fox. There had been a handful of reality-based TV shows before this, but COPS kind of kicked the doors down, and then tackled the guys trying to jump out of the window. It was an extremely successful show, had one of the greatest theme songs ever, and was often quite entertaining, if not predictable. The criminals always run. The cops chase. But it did open a Pandora’s Box. I like to pretend that it wasn’t directly responsible for some of the crap that passes as TV nowadays. The Kardashians , Real Housewives of Wherever , The Bachelor . Bunch of “real” people being fake. I do actually think that some other shows were more directly responsible for this particular type of reality show. Survivor . The Real Word . But COPS got networks to realize they could have a hit show without having to employ writers--though now many of the reality shows now have writers anyway. At least it was all real though. Real COPS , real criminals. I can respect that.

On this day in 1876, the first telephone call was made from Alexander Graham Bell to his assistant Thomas Watson. The first phrase every spoken over a telephone was, “Mr. Watson--come here--I want to see you.” Succinct. Easy to understand. Truthful. But telephones have changed quite a bit over the last 240 years. Landlines are all but extinct. Marty Cooper and the 1st cell phone call in 1973 was still fairly succinct, but since then phone conversations have drastically changed. You never have to call someone and ask “is so-and-so there?” Talking on the phone has declined significantly anyway. Not that I’m bitching. I’m fine with typing up a text message instead of hearing you pretend to listen to me while you argue with the Starbucks barista over how much your Venti-Mocha-Choco-Peppermint-Pumpkin Latte costs. Though I do wish sarcasm came across better via text. There needs to be a sarcasm font. I also wish there was punctuation that didn’t seem quite as eager and excited as an exclam

Did you know the real Rambo was Japanese? No? I don’t know that either, but I do know that Hiroo Onada was a Japanese Soldier who didn’t surrender until this day in 1974. For WWII. 29 years after it was over. Japan formally surrendered on September 2, 1945, but Onada and three fellow soldiers did not believe the leaflets they found in the Philippines notifying of this development. They thought it Allied propaganda. Over the course of the next 29 years the other soldiers either surrendered or were killed due to their guerilla actions, But Hiroo Onada continued to wage war. I’m having a difficult time deciding exactly what I think about Onada’s 29-year holdout. One the one hand you have to respect his resolve to never give up. But on the other hand--29 years? Dude was fighting a war that had been over for 29 years? Not to trivialize war by comparing it sports, but I always find it admirable when a team doesn’t give up despite the game being out of reach. However, once the game ends you d

FYI--Video Clip is a tad on the gross side, but that's Trainspotting for you: On this day in 1899, Friedrich Bayer & Co received a patent for Aspirin from the patent office in Berlin based off modifications made by employee Felix Hoffmann in 1897. So thank you Germans, on behalf of my hangovers. However, I am a little nervous because Hoffmann was also the first chemist to stabilize Heroin. Seems like an interesting two drugs to be working on. It would be completely fine to be taking aspirin while trying to figure out how to stabilize Heroin, but vice-versa wouldn’t work out too well. At least I wouldn’t think so. I’m actually hoping Hoffmann wasn’t working on the two drugs at the same time, or that at the very least he was able to keep them straight. Whatever the case it seems to have worked out just fine. Or a lot people have been medicating headaches with portions of Heroin. You’d think that the side effects would notify us of that. I mean Ewan McGregor didn’t go swimming in

On this day in 1963, Arthur “Spud” Melin patented the most important toy of the 20th Century--the Hula-Hoop. It became a huge hit for his toy company, Wham-O in 1958 when it was first marketed, selling close to 25 million Hoops in the 1st four months of production. But if you’re going to sell people a giant circle you need to get a patent for it, and Melin did exactly that on this very day. The Hula-Hoop is not all that important, you say? Tell that to the mute hippie girl at the music festival. How else is she supposed to impress people without the aid of a Hula-Hoop? She needs it to mesmerize the pot-addled brains of the adolescent young men that are often entertained merely the blinking stage lights. She can’t talk, so the Hula-Hoop does all the communicating for her. It says, “Hey there, Pot-Addled Adolescents, I can move my hips like Shakira, as you can tell by the fact that this tubular circle never touches the ground.” And that, my friends, is how people fall in love. You see, t

Do you know the history of the song “Happy Birthday to You?" If you do, congratulations. You must be a musical historian. However, if you just sing the song when celebrating someone having the good sense, physical fortitude, or sheer luck to not die for another year and never particularly think about the particulars, then you may find the subsequent information interesting. The song goes back to the two Hill sisters, Patty and Mildred, who wrote the song “Good Morning to All” for teachers to sing to their children. This melody became the basis for “Happy Birthday to You,” which is widely recognized as the most famous song in the world perhaps proving the virtues of simplicity. The creator of the birthday lyrics was the same person who invented the wheel--some person named Unknown. But the Hills were able to secure the copyright by proving the melody was theirs, and “Happy Birthday to You” was published by the Clayton F. Summy Publishing Company in 1935. The song and lyrics have ch

On this day in 1931, President Herbert Hoover officially made “The Star-Spangled Banner” the national anthem of the United States of America by signing it into law. The song was penned by Francis Scott Key after seeing the American flag survive a massive British bombing at Fort McHenry during the War of 1812. I’m sure that all national anthems produce a swelling of pride in a country’s citizens, but the words of Key’s song certainly embody the spirit of what America should be. So much so, that even one Thomas Jefferson was impressed by the song. Of course he did say that maybe Key should have found a way to get off the damn Limey ship where he being held captive and gone to help his brother-in-arms at Ft. McHenry instead of writing such a beautiful song. But who is to say if TJ would even have been impressed with such a feat. I think most can agree that the song is a great one. And even if it’s not your cup of joe, think of all the memorable moments it has afforded over the years. Jimi

On March 2, 1962, Wilt Chamberlain scored 100 points in an NBA game as a member of the Philadelphia Warriors against the New York Knickerboxers. The Warriors won 169 - 147 in front of a crowd of 4,124 fans in Hershey, Pennsylvania. Chamberlain was well-known as a scorer, and if you believe his humble brag that he had bedded 20,000 women, then he probably spent a good 63% percent of his time on this planet scoring in one form or another. You might want to double-check my math on that. Of course Bill Russell was just like, “That’s cute. I win championships.” In any case, legend goes that ole Wilt spent the previous night entertaining a lady friend until 6am and then boarded a train back to Philly at 8 working on no sleep and a hangover. Not that I’m extolling the virtues of playing ball hungover, though a couple of the greats seemed to be able to thrive while running off the fumes of parties past--Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle. Read up on Max McGee. But I’d venture to say that more often than