Marked This Day

In another recent-history post, on this day last year, scientists revealed a new study suggesting turtles evolved in a shell 40 million years before what was originally thought. If we ignore the wiggle room built into that statement (suggested?), there are two interesting take-a-ways. One is the turtle is obviously much faster than we give it credit for. 40 million years ahead of schedule; that's pretty damn fast. Secondly, if these scientists were this wrong about turtles, what else could they be wrong about. I realize that in the grand scheme of the 4.5 billion years that the earth has been spinning, 40 million years isn't all that much. But it's still a pretty significant amount. In comparison, when I wrote friendly advice to Bill Gates about possibly getting some more stylish eyewear and suggested that this friendly advice should be rewarded in the form of monetary gifts totaling around 40 million dollars, he didn't go for it. His glasses arguably got more stylish, ...

On this day in 1849, Abraham Lincoln said "You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time." And you know he was telling the truth. Not because his nickname was Honest Abe--everyone may have been lying about that. I doubt that they were, but if you're going to perpetuate a widespread and eventually completely accepted lie of a nickname, what's better than to have "honest" in it. But I digress. No, he wasn't telling the truth because of his "supposed" nickname, he was telling the truth, because there were people who eventually found he was a Vampire Hunter. I mean he fooled some of them the whole time, those people who just believed he was one of the greatest Presidents our Nation has ever had, and he fooled all of the people some of the time, but if you cross reference those two sections Abe was left with some people who knew his secret, thus proving the ...

On this day in 1959, two monkeys, Able and Baker, went 300 miles into space and were then successfully retrieved, becoming the first animals to accomplish the feat. But were they able to articulate their journey to their primate buddies when they got back to earth? Would the other monkeys believe them. Or even care? "Hey guys, Able and I went into space on the Jupiter missile!" "Whatever, Baker, give me a dang banana so I can throw my crap at the humans who come make dumb-ass faces at me." But I care, Baker. I find the feat quite impressive. Also rather depressing. Almost sixty years ago, two monkeys went into space. I mean you probably won't do anything that cool in your entire life here in 2014. But hey, shoot for the stars. It's all in how you look at things, right? Monkeys went into space, means you could do some really cool stuff. You could be the Prime Minister of Malaysia, or figure out how to make the Magic School Bus a reality. Whatever you do, quit...

On this day in 1961, the first black light was sold. The fact that this happened on the same day that my parents (and I) won the genetic jackpot in 19#$, is fairly cool. Thomas Jefferson wouldn’t be impressed, but then again he once saw a sharpshooter load a musket in ten seconds and skin the left mutton chop off a British soldier from 500 yards—TJ just shrugged. While I was never part of the rave scene in my youth, and I don’t have any black light tattoos, I have seen the wondrous uses of this confounding light and have come to appreciate and respect them. The world would be a very different place without the black light. I mean would MTV’s Room Raiders have lasted as long as it did without the black light test? Not to mention the advancements in forensics that have been possible (which also throws the behemoth that is the CSI franchise into the pile of things that would be completely different without the black light). Snooki wouldn’t have that beautiful oompa loompa glow. GTL-ers wo...

On this Day in 1941, The American Flag House was given to the city of Philadelphia. Also known as the Betsy Ross House, this is generally acknowledged as the home where Betsy lived when the first American flag was sewn in 1776. I don’t need to stretch too much to imbue this post with significance considering it’s Memorial Day and the American Flag is a symbol of the freedom that all our brave veterans have fought for. But in case you need some added significance just follow my incredibly straightforward and impeccable logic: Bruce Springsteen used the red and white backdrop of the American Flag for the cover of his 1984 album Born in the USA, which was quite the hit, further entrenching him in the hearts and minds of Americans, even though much of them (including the Reagan campaign) ignored the fact that the single was really about the negative effects of the Vietnam War. In any case, Bruce kept singing and writing because he was still as popular as ever, and 10 years later he wrote a...

On this day in 1785, Benjamin Franklin announced his invention of bifocals. Two lenses in one? What witchcraft was this? That’d be like having coffee in your tea. Or something. Point being, I’d reckon that most everyone was impressed. Except for Thomas Jefferson, because he wasn’t impressed by anything. He once saw a strongman pull five midgets in a buggy through 100 yards of quicksand. Just stood there with a Mckayla Maroney face. And John Hancock was a little perturbed. Said he wouldn’t have signed the Declaration so damn big if he could have seen. In fact, he told Franklin to go fly a kite. Again. Yep. I went there.

It's Happening! On this day in 1961, The Eye of the Needle (currently SkyCity) at the top of Seattle’s Space Needle became the first revolving restaurant to open. Now the Space Needle is cool. It’s an instantly recognizable landmark, and it just looks neat. But a restaurant that revolves? Meh. Kind of cool, I guess. Works in the Needle for the 360 view. Plus, you get to spin around. I liked doing that when I was a wee little tyke (and I still often spin around in office chairs). If I’m being honest here though, it seems kind of an unnecessary advancement in the dining experience. Then again, the only thing I really care about in my dining experience is my food. I would much rather our brightest technological minds invent something more vital to the improvement of our race. Like teleportation. Or hover boards. So stop making me dizzy and beam me up. This day has been Marked.

On this day in 1891, Peter Jackson and Jim Corbett fought in a boxing match. Nothing special. Except it lasted 61 rounds. And ended in a draw. That has to be the worst fight ever. 61 rounds. I’d love to be inspirational and wax poetic about the indomitability of the human spirit, but 61 rounds is a tad excessive. If you can’t beat a guy in the first 20, let’s call it even and go our separate ways. The crazy thing is that it wasn’t the worst fight ever. That happened two years later in New Orleans—110 rounds, 9pm – 4am. Also a draw. Who was the boxing commissioner? Torquemada from the Spanish Inquisition? Can you imagine if Rocky Balboa had fought Apollo Creed for 61 rounds, and then they called the fight a draw (assuming Creed would’ve kept the title)? On the plus side we would have gotten some crazy good movie montages of increasingly limp-armed punches (Frank Stallone could have written like 10 more songs), but there is no guarantee that either of them survive, or fight each other ag...

On this day in 1989, Walter McConnell became the oldest person to reach 27,000’ on Mt. Everest at 57 years young. Quite impressive, especially considering that I pinch a nerve in my back if I stretch too far trying to get the remote without completely leaving my seat. And while I would love to celebrate Mr. McConnell’s tremendous accomplishment at the tail end of the glorious 80’s, it’s a bit difficult to do so with the knowledge that just last year (on May 23rd no less) Yuichiro Muira made it to the summit when he was 80 years and 223 days old. Sure, he almost died on the way down, but...80 years old. In either, case it’s pretty damn admirable that these guys had the testicular fortitude to do something that risky. It’s like that scene in Benjamin Button when BB sees Tilda Swinton become the oldest woman to swim the English Channel (woman have testicular fortitude also). Minus the aging in reverse of course. Point is, no one is ever too old for anything. Except for Hugh Hefner. He’s t...

On this day in 1979, Eric Clapton married Patti Boyd. Now I don’t normally care about the romantic entanglements of celebrities—except noticing the occasional sign that Jessica Biel seems unsatisfied with how JT has brought the sexy back and looks in need of some consoling—but the Clapton-Boyd nuptials were admittedly intriguing. For you music historians out there in the interwebs, Patti Boyd had previously been married to George Harrison of The Beatles, making her the 70’s version of Heather Locklear, except infinitely better. George Harrison and Eric Clapton? Toonsy bit more impressive than Tommy Lee and Richie Sambora. More impressive still are the songs that were written about pretty Patti. Lothario that Clapton was, he wrote “Layla” to woo her, despite the fact he was good buddies with George. And that probably should have sealed the deal, right? I mean Clapton wasn’t really playing fair, because he was God at that time (sorry for the sacrilege, but some dude did graffiti it on a ...

On this day, possibly the day before, only one year ago, the oldest water ever was discovered in a Canadian mine. I’m talking old here. Like 2.6 billion years old. I’ve seen some old water before. I mean I’ve left a cup of ice on my nightstand before and it gets prettay dusty after a few days. But 2.6 billion years? That’s really stinking old. That water may have been the very water that Littlefoot was searching for in The Land Before Time. Of course that would mean that The Great Valley was in Canada, and that just doesn’t seem right, eh? Sidenote: was there some prehistoric duck that Ducky resembled thus deriving the name, or is that name a really great anachronism, or were modern ducks supposed to derive their name from Ducky. Chicken and the egg? Or, maybe, that old-ass water has the alien DNA from the Prometheus guys. Who knows? Either way, hooray for really old water. This day has been Marked.