JUNE 5th - Prince America

Every now again, I come across something so earth-shattering, so insanely important and relevant to our human experience in this crazy, mixed-up world that I struggle to make sense of it. On this day in 1988, American Heinrich Medicus recorded the longest champagne cork flight in human history (probably alien history too--if they drink champagne). Medicus sent his cork flying 177' 9". That's more than half a football field. And the record still stands to this day because some records are just too difficult to surpass. Joltin' Joe's hit streak--not going anywhere. Joey Chestnutt's 69 hot dogs plus buns in 10 minutes, well that was set just last year, so who knows. But knowing about Heinrich Medicus and his flying cork is not just life-changing news because it reminds us that some greatness cannot be duplicated; the knowledge also affords a more practical implementation. You know that guy who is just super excited to open the champagne at parties. He often goes by the aliases Pompous Cork-Popper or Annoying Champagne Dude. You know, the guy who starts talking like The Continental (time for the fine Champagne?) a good hour before anybody is even ready for the bubbly. The guy who grabs the first bottle like he's McGyver dismantling a bomb and the collectiveness happiness of the whole party rests on his ability to pop that cork. He pops it and gives a "woah, look at that" as the cork goes flying...7 feet. "Well hold your horses, Pompous Cork-Popper," you can say. "I appreciate you popping the champagne, as Lord knows Drunk Uncle Chester needs to drink something besides PBR, but you sir are no Heinrich Medicus." The surrounding people will no doubt be intrigued and will ask you to elaborate on the strikingly named individual you just referenced. You can then relate the aforementioned feat of human excellence. The revelers will be wowed and you can leave Annoying Champagne Dude holding the empty bottle as you walk out of there, flute full, like Captain Freaking America--but a fun Captain America, who's a little bit crazy and dangerous, but still down-to-earth and heroic. Like a cross between Prince and Captain America. Prince America. You'll walk out of there like Prince America, and you'll have Heinrich Medicus to thank for it. Or, you know, people will look at you funny, think you're a weirdo, and thank the guy who popped the champagne. Life's a gamble.

This day has been Marked.