JULY 8th - You Should Name Your First Born After Me

On this day in 1986, Scott Zimmerman set a World Record for the farthest thrown object ever. Zimmerman threw an Aerobie 383.1 meters or 1257 feet. What’s an Aerobie, you ask? It’s a Frisbee—on steroids. Created by Alan Alder, a Stanford engineer who was really into Ultimate Frisbee. Made that last part up. But it’s plausible. Why else would you spend time engineering a better throwing disc? Like most records, it has since been broken and the current record for farthest thrown object is held by David Schummy who threw a boomerang 1401.5 feet. Do you think there is a secret society of people who can throw things really far? Do they hold secret meetings in open patches of land and throw things thousands of feet? Are new recruits required to do the measuring? Because it’s the measuring that has to suck. That’s a really long tape measure, am I right? I’m racking my brain, trying to figure out reasons why this society would be beneficial to your human existence or even why knowing this information could prove valuable to you. There is always the Prince America scenario but I’ve already enumerated the pros of that. No need to reiterate. You could always end up on Jeopardy and be asked questions about world records, or Frisbees, or who invented the Aerobie. In that case, I’m helping you win money. You’re welcome. Or maybe you’re not even on the show, you’re just depressed and watching it in a depressing bar for a happy hour. Of course the only bars that would show Jeopardy are bars that attract a rather intelligent clientele, and while you’re crying into your gin and tonic about your latest failed relationship, in walks a total smokeshow opposite of your sex. Or of the same, if that’s what you’re in to. Normally this person wouldn’t give you a second glance, but when Trebek doles out the Final Jeopardy question about the first object thrown across Niagara Falls, you can look right at that smokeshow of undetermined gender and say “What is the Aerobie?” How could he or she not be impressed by that? You, my friend, just impressed the love of your life. So I’m either making you money or helping you land your soul mate. You’re welcome. As for why the secret society exists? Does there need to be a reason? I just found your soul mate. Quit being so damn greedy.



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